A little over a year ago, I started this blog as a creative outlet and a way to share some things I love and thought were important. Not long after I began, I wrote a post about being confident in your body – no matter what: Why It’s OK to be Fat & Wear Shorts. This post went pretty viral (I say pretty because I don’t know what constitutes viral but Huffington Post, Mamamia in Australia, & a newspaper in Belgium, among others, was definitely viral to me.) And it was SUPER exciting. I basically felt like Sally Field at the Oscars yelling, “You like me! Your REALLY like me!” Not that it really mattered. Although, I most definitely appreciated all the love. I was the fat girl who wore shorts and didn’t care what anyone else thought about it. That was me.
A few months ago, I began a weight loss journey that has been 35 years in the making. And although I plan to write more about that in the future, let’s just say that my decisions were not lightly made or hurriedly decided. This journey was something that I thought about for YEARS. And during the 35 years before I made the first step towards this new me, I was happy, healthy (surprise!), and confident. Being fat and being confident were not mutually exclusive. Being fat didn’t define me as a person.
And yet, I’ve felt like a fraud over the last few months because I’ve chosen to make a change. I’ve often struggled with feeling like a fraud. But this was something even more. I felt like everything I had written in the piece 12 months ago was a lie because if I really was that confident and fabulous, why would I have chosen to lose weight? If I was that comfortable with myself, why did I need to make a change?
I realized yesterday, as I sat in my car talking to my best friend Amanda, listening and watching the rain fall after a particularly heinous but needed workout with my trainer, one very important thing: Who I was yesterday or last week or last year is not who I am today. And that’s ok. It’s supposed to be like that. We live and learn and change and grow. It doesn’t mean that what I wrote last year wasn’t true. I was a badass then who chose to wear shorts because I wanted to. Because I choose to lose weight today doesn’t mean I wasn’t a badass then. It means I’m changing, just the way I’m supposed to. I’m doing what I want to do. And there’s nothing more badass than that. Or losing 43.6lbs.
So I’ve decided, I’m gonna write about it. I’m going to share. I am not ashamed. I’m not scared. I am not a fraud. I’m just me. I hope you understand.